Dear Doctor: my girlfriend of six months recently came out to me as bisexual. Initially, this surprised me. I didn’t express any concern or anger to her. But now this has got me thinking, and you know where this is going: I like her a lot and want to stay together but how do I get past the constant thoughts pervading my brain that I could somehow pull off a threesome with her and another chick? Seriously, I can’t think about anything else. Help!
-Bryan F
Chick? What? Don’t be an assbag, F Byran. Well now, I didn’t know where you were going. That was a real humdinger! Speaking of humdingers and sexy sex sex. I have a few suggestions. 1. Get yourself to Morocco. 2. Ask for Sonny. 3. Celebrate your girlfriend’s bisexuality by embracing yours.
Dear Doctor: not to get all metaphysical on you, but I was wondering your thoughts: are we alone in the universe? And what else is out there? I’m sure you’ve given this some deep ponderance and am curious what you think. Thanks!
– Spaced Out
Dear Spaced Out, One time I fell out of an airplane. This sort of things happens when you’re living a certain style of life. I was falling to my certain death wearing a brand spanking new used tuxedo. It was new to me, but used. It was a beauty. I had a brief period where I only wore tuxedos. In the end, the tuxedo life was not for me, but back to your question, I thought about the same mysteries as I fell. I realized that nothing matters except for the present moment. Savor it. Live what you know. Find your center. Find joy. Find your smile and let it linger for a while. Even if you’re up high and about to die.
Dear Doctor: I’m unemployed (got downsized a few months ago). I have been actively interviewing but nothing has yet come along yet. I have tons of free time at the moment but don’t know what to do with myself. Any experience with this? Aside from looking for a job, what should I be doing with my time?
– Confused Darren
Dear Confused Darling, I have never taken a salaried position. I worked a few hourly jobs just for the perspective of what that is like, but I had them donate the money to charity. I cannot be involved in taking payment from such nonsense. As for your spare time, expand yourself. I don’t mean gain weight, but get phat, if you will. Walk into a salon and proclaim: “Give me the haircut I was born to sport!” Then take that feeling and live your life like you’re complete, because you are. You’re beautiful. And you know what is going through the minds of everyone you pass? Who cares. Master this and you will master life.
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