Dear Doctor: I have to attend a last minute wedding this weekend and I don’t own a tux or even a suit. What should I do?
– Gary Found
The general rule for weddings is women should not wear white to not upstage the bride. This rule does not apply to men. Get yourself an all white outfit, preferably some coveralls. When people comment on your attire, simply say it cost you a pretty penny. Give them that winning smile. Now, if anyone takes issue with your outfit, reiterate that it cost you a pretty penny. If they persist, announce you’re happy to take it off and then start to disrobe then and there. The key is to be completely naked underneath. No one can argue with a Birthday Suit.
Dear Doctor: I have had twenty first dates this year and not one second date. I get so nervous that I cannot act like myself and so all the person sees is this bumbling idiot. I don’t know how to relax. Help me Doctor!
-Lonely Lisa
I know what it’s like to be shy. For many years, I wallowed in the shadows before I figured out the key to unlocking your inner potential: gimmicks. Try this. Get yourself a power sander. Read the instructions, watch a video on it and then put it in its little tote bag. Take the sander with you on your next first date. Show up, casually set it on the bar and say hello. Your date will definitely ask why you have a sander with you. Casually yet happily explain that you just picked it up. Rattle off some deets. Say something clever like, “The amperage is best in class and it works inside the house or out, no big deal, tell me about your sander.” See what we are doing here? You are talking, you’re not nervous because it is all about this dumb sander. Make a joke. Now you’re laughing. You can do this with any product, but I strongly recommend the power sander. Power tools can be highly erotic.
Dear Doctor: why don’t we male humans have a baculum? Most other mammal species do. What’s up with that?
-LOL
Is your name, LOL? That is humerus! Actually, some male humans do. Napoleon Bonaparte did. Look at his name, Bone-a-part. Science tells us that the average human body contains enough bones to form a human skeleton. Tibia or not tibia, that is the question!
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