SmartestPhone

As the 22nd century quickly approaches, the DoctorOfStyle has taken it upon himself to rethink traditional cellular telephone design to deliver a product that is not only useful and fast but also so damn stylish it makes penguins faint from envy.

It’s called the SmartestPhone and will first require that you check all preconceived notions of what a phone can be at the door. Likewise, you should check your socks at the door because in order to even begin to grasp this new technological wonder you will need to put your toesies into the proverbial coastal sands. Seriously though, I don’t want to see any fucking socks, unless they are merino wool, of course.

Here is just some of the new tech you will find in the SmartestPhone:

• It will open at the smell of your scent.
• The display can expand to 100 inches, yet it fits into the fifth pocket of your jeans.
• The operating system is run by Esmerelda, who is also a licensed physical therapist.
• The camera doesn’t just capture images, it harvests souls.
• Waterproof, blender-proof, bulletproof, and will still function if accidentally cremated.
• In an emergency situation, it can be consumed. It is gluten free, vegan, high in protein and complex carbohydrates and tastes like salisbury steak (veggie medley also available).
• The battery lasts for an entire calendar year off of one charge.
• It can be used as an assistance dog.
• It can fly a plane.
• It appreciates some alone time.
• It feels elation.
• It has a built-in hair dryer.
• It will have a conversation with your mother for you.