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While I own three Teslas, I have never driven one. I am not sure they are even in my possession anymore. I know I got two as part of a gift bag at some kind of excessive pool party. The other I won in a contest of strength in Tangiers, apparently. I’ll tell you that story someday. So I wanted to test drive the car that people are going bananas over, The Tesla Model 3.
Apparently, the Model 3 is inexpensive compared to the other Tesla models, so they got that going for them, which is nice. This car will redefine what you think of transport. In fact, the term “car” or “automobile” seems pedestrian for such a chariot. Thus, from this point on, in this review, the Model 3 shall be referred to as the Sex Vector. I call it the Sex Vector because every time I got out of it and into it someone asked to have sex with me. To be fair, I was wearing the Heated Cummberbund that day, so was it the Sex Vector or the bund? Mmmmmm…delicious!
Whenever I review a product, I always send a rider with my demands for a successful day. For the Sex Vector, I requested 4 lb. of smoked goat cheese cheddar in the trunk, professional lighting, a personal chef, an aerobics instructor certification application, a subscription to Better Homes & Gardens, and Boom Boom to accompany me on the test drive. A rider always precedes my arrival anywhere. Good life lesson. Write that down.
As we waited for a “red” Tesla to arrive (they sent me a “blue raspberry” by mistake), Boom Boom was excitedly rattling off facts about the Sex Vector:
“The technology in the Sex Vector will redefine lives.”
“The Sex Vector has 17 cup holders and seats 5.”
“It drives like a 2020 Sex Vector.”
First impression: Excited. It feels good to be in the Sex Vector. The layout is intuitive and relaxing. Disappointing to learn they do not offer a cassette tape player package. Boom Boom had brought all this mix tapes. Bummer, man.
The seats are very comfortable. I fell asleep just looking at them. There is an air freshener feature that covers the cabin in any scent that comes to mind. Boom Boom starts to eat some boiled eggs, as he does, so I select “Hollandaise Sauce.”
Eggs Benedict sounds delicious right now. Boom Boom agrees. I could drive this shit all day.
(Disclaimer: The Doctor of Style has not driven the Sex Vector.)
doctorofstyle.com 
Dear Dr.
what do you mean you haven’t driven that machine. The 3 is a family car. It’s plush, comfy, and drives like a snowball on the hottest day of the year.
I own the T4.7, talk about exciting. Zero to a hundred in two days. No it’s not an old man’s car, you ignorant slut, it’s the safest car on the road. Think of the muscle control necessary to get a car up to a hundred mph over twenty four hours. Not so easy. You try it. No I will not loan it to you. Just because you live in Texas forget about driving it in the Beto and Ted state. They are not ready for prime time.
On the other hand, there are five fingers. .. Transmission lost. Tesla 4.7 driven into eternity.
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